Mike Jaret's Green Blog

Rompin' in Moscow!

2006-03-13T16:46:00.000-08:00

Well, another trip to Moscow down! This time with no girl at home looking for an excuse to dump me by acting worried and jealous about me cheating on her in Moscow! I can honestly say that it didn't happen no matter how much she would never believe me! Well this is the first trip I have been on since "the incident" and I said I would have a good time and I did! What a fun place to be; beautiful scenery and, even more importantly, beautiful women. As I said last time I was in Russia, the women are just phenomenal. They aren't fat (aside from the few token....) and even the ugly ones aren't UGLY by American standards. They all have good skin and great complexions. The only downside to this trip was the fuckin' weather. Now I know any of you Muscovites will tell me: "Mike! it wasn't cold!" Well lick my guiche, it was fuckin colder than a hooker's heart. I'm from Tucson for fuck sakes! A temperature of -6 degrees Celsius is fuckin' cold even though I don't know the exact conversion to Fahrenheit (I believe that's around 15-25 degrees F and to me that is COLD!). I wore my thermals for the first time ever... and I was still freezing my testes off. The only thing that can warm you up is a shot of vodka... did I say A shot? I meant 10 shots. Every single time you go to any restaurant ever...it's vodka, vodka, vodka! It is no myth, my fine-feathered friends; they drink the stuff like its water! And water brings me to my next point. While the last time I was in Moscow I felt I didn't eat enough, I was fairly fulfilled this time foodwise, but I was definitely not sufficiently hydrated. I live in the States, a country that basically hydrates us like the skinnies in Somalia couldn't dream! In Moscow, they DO NOT give you tap water. And yes I know they really don't do that anywhere in Europe but I'm bitching about MOSCOW right now. The water is not bad... it is, in fact, very good from what I am told. But it is not proper to serve it, AT ALL. So I can't get a glass of tap water to save my life, and I am not about to just keep ordering bottles of water... I'm a Jew and that's plain expensive. They also don't have iced tea which is what I always drink. It's cheap and refilled like water in the USA.

All soda is served from a bottle or can so you can see where this is going. Every meal I went to I felt like I had been standing in Iraq during Desert Storm waiting to get rehydrated or to kill some 'Raqis... me thinks neither happened during Desert Storm! Overall we had some good eats, but man I just don't enjoy my food the same without liquid in my stomach. Oh well, enough petty bitching!Language barriers, though, are a major bitch... I know they exist everywhere but man this is rough. Most languages are based on Latin and I can at least SOMEWHAT figure out what people are saying. Not Russian. In fact, not only is the language impossible to understand verbally, but the alphabet is Cyrillic. A totally different alphabet (which isn't a big deal) except it uses many of the same characters but they have different sounds. For example, the letter that looks like "C" is actually an "S", and what looks like a "P" is actually an "R". It is insane! To top it off, except for the real international businesses and tourist traps, most people in Russia DO NOT speak English. Although as I'm learning, most people under the age of 24 or so should at least have a basic understanding because in the schools now children take English classes the way we take Spanish classes in the USA. That'll be great – in 20 years! I need to get to the strip club now and the driver of the random car that picked me up to take me there doesn't speak a fucking lick of English and doesn't understand the words NAKED or WOMAN! Oh well, tame my libido, Mr. Cab Driver... or should I call you Boris? Let me speak on this cab situation.Actual cabs only exist on a mythical basis in Moscow. Well, maybe not entirely in myth but they are few and far between. But alas comes the great capitalist mockery of the common man cab. In the USA it is illegal to pick up a hitchhiker, and for damn good reason. In Moscow, it is the standard. Everyone hitches rides, and I mean EVERYONE. All you have to do is stick your hand out similar to a Nazi salute and the next car that wants to give you a ride will stop. And any person driving a car made prior to 1992 will usually stop to give you a lift. Every once in a while a nice car will stop and you get a ride in a Beemer, but I would imagine most people who have the money for a nice car here know that you would have to be a damn fool to pick up a total stranger whose shoes are covered in ice and sludge and give them a ride for under 10 bux! But like I said, it's standard operating procedure here. I've come to understand that a lot of people just don't drive here; they simply hitch rides everywhere. And for the most part all it costs is 200 rubles... 300 at worst to get pretty much anywhere within the confines of Moscow's anal rings (take a look at a map of this city and you'll understand!). By the way, ruble conversion is about 28 rubles to a US dollar so 300 rubles is just over 10 bux. No worry about your cabby taking the long route to run the meter, but chances are he won't speak English – just like every FES (foreign exchange student) who drives a cab in NY. Now let us speak on the party scene. I went out a couple nights with some young lads around the same age as me. They mostly spoke English, at least a little and all of them like to have a good time and to batter the foreign kid (me) with all kinds of questions about the USA and life outside of Vodkaland! Well I can handle this because like I said the women are hot! The guys for the most part are good to be around because most of them are not meat heads. You can actually have fun in a club in Moscow, cuz most of the guys just want to drink, dance and have a good time. This is compared to the States where every guy in the club has a chip on his shoulder and can't wait for someone to hit on the slut he thinks is his girlfriend so he can break a beer bottle over their head. I only say this because I worked in the bar business long enough to see it OVER and OVER and OVER. We went to a couple clubs, at least half of them WISHING they were in Manhattan. I think most of the teenagers in Moscow wish they lived in the States. A lot of the women dress like Party Paris Barbie or any other skankish celeb that you can name. Not that I'm complaining cuz they are hot and they are nice in comparison to their US counterparts. They aren't digging for gold, just the occasional drink or possibly money for sex (I forget which I was asked for more often). The other clubs we hit up were the typical European Party clubs that you see all over the E! channel when they do the "Wild On" specials. Very loud, very crowded and very fun. Those motherfuckers dance like the world is going to end soon and they need to squeeze every single grind out in one night. Maybe it was the absinthe or the vodka but so many hot bitches dancing in a confined space + naked women dancing on the stage makes for a nice club. One of the chicks even danced with a python wrapped around her and put the pythons head in her mouth like she was sucking a 7 foot cock that had a mind of its own...HOT HOT HOT!

Now I'm not much of a dancer and I really don't dance that often (some beer in me may make me shake my ass and freshly pierced wang on the dance floor a little here and there) but this Euro club scene definitely made me want to change my mind. I had a great time dancing ALL FUCKING NIGHT with my beautiful friend Olga who appeared to be one of the best dancers in there (she was there with her dance instructor so maybe that was the reason why). No beer and no Tequila or vodka make mike j something something... wait that didn't happen. I had a lot of beer, tequila and vodka that night and it didn't fall out the window of a yellow cab like it did in Soho last week. I think I got the most intense cardio workout I''ve had in a long time in the six + hours I was at one club. The snow is falling harder every minute as I lay here in my tiny fucking half twin hotel bed and my flight home is in exactly 12 hours. It's 1AM and I'm not even tired. I haven't gotten more then 10 hours of sleep in the five days I have been here and I don't think it's going to go much over 10 after tonight. Maybe the 10+ hour flight home will give me some much-needed sleep. See ya next time Moscow…..Mike J out!

Let me speak on this....

2006-01-23T09:44:00.000-08:00

I know everyone thinks I'm nothing more then a giant mouth. I talk a lot and act like I have no feelings. Well let me dispel the rumors, I do. This I've only found out about recently, and just like you I am surprised. Never in my life have I dropped more then a couple tears over spilt milk, but this time around I feel like one of those fountains with the kid pissing the water, only its coming out of my eyes. It sucks so bad because I don't WANT to be like this, but it just happens sometimes I guess.

If you didn't already know, my girlfriend of over 5 and a half years took off. This isn't breaking news or anything but due to some recent events I felt the need to put it in writing. Women are insane! They spend years of their lives saying how guys are assholes and they don't care. Well let me tell you, as I have been dealing with this, I have talked to quite a few people who have gone through the exact same thing. How do women EVER expect men to no be assholes if all they ever do is FUCK with your emotions.

I know I did a lot wrong over the years, A LOT, but at least I can admit it. After how many years of my life I spent with HER, I can honestly say she never felt at fault for anything. I always apologized for arguments or for anything that went wrong. And while we were together that was OK. I don't mind mending problems even if they weren't my fault. But looking back on it, and after getting lectured by her afterwards about this that and the other thing, then I REALLY get mad thinking "well I tried to always HALT problems!" I always tried to not let problems even extend overnight. I liked to quash them b4 we went to sleep. I never left the house angry and I tried not to let her leave the house angry. I always tried to fix the problem wetter it was my fault or hers. I'm not saying im a great guy, or even a good one for that matter, BUT in my defense I didn't enjoy fighting, it just sort of happened A LOT. I know fighting is what shows a relationship is healthy, and it never was SO BAD that we split up. Hell even the final break wasn't over a fight.

I just don't understand...WHAT do I have to do. I have to move on? Well I can only do what my mind tells me to. At first, I didn't want to give in, I didn't want to let this happen. I tried and tried and tried and tried to no avail! And now Im finally trying to move on, Im hanging out with other people, I finally have REAL female friends which I avoided doing the past 5 or so years. Im sure she would tell you differently, because women always think you're cheating, but I did not. I had some female acquaintances but I hardly ever saw them and hardly ever talked to them. Its nice to finally have some estrogen in my presence that's NOT fighting with me. So I move on (kind of) and have finally stood up for myself and tried as hard as I can NOT to initiate contact of any kind. After New Years eve I talked to her and that was about the last time I called her or heard from her until last week. Out of the blue she calls me just to shoot the shit. We have a great conversation about whatever and that leads to an invite for lunch. She tells me to call her the next morning for lunch, and ya of course NO RESPONSE the next day. Whatever, I move on. Don't call her all week then BAM like clockwork last Friday she starts txt messaging me out of the blue. Just asking what's going on. LIKE LAST WEEK NEVER EVEN HAPPENED. O well, im a bigger man, I will just act normal, of course it leads to another invite for a cup of coffee, which falls through because she has to work that night. No biggie, but she says, call me Sunday we will do something. I try not to get my hopes up because im pretty sure it will fall through, but sometimes your mind takes over. Of course yesterday no response so I simply send a txt saying, "I don't know why I get my hopes up on this stuff". What happens next is simply too much to type. All I know is, I hope she was far far away from her cell phone when HE started sending me txt messages pretending to be her.

Im not going to go into detail, but I will be the bigger man in this situation. I got very mad yesterday, and drank my anger away. I've been doing that a lot lately and I don't really like it. I've never been much of a drinker, but now that I have at least 3 bottles of vodka in my fridge minimum, I know its starting to get worse. I wouldn't call myself anything close to an alcoholic, I don't drink because I like to, and I don't even come close to drinking everyday. But to me, getting drunk 2-3 times a week is a hell of a lot more then I have in the past, so I feel like its increasing. Now I don't want to pinpoint the drinking on recent occurrences, but lets just say it isn't helping.

What am I supposed to do? Remove her from my life all together? I have tried, baby steps....Weeks at a time! And all I get for my time is a call from her and SHIT from her new "ROOMATE". I think I may need to just not answer her calls, or anything....But its so hard.

well this blog is getting WAY too long and way to sappy.....Let me know what you think?

New years can get GAY QUICK!

2006-01-03T14:14:00.000-08:00

WELL........ new years is new years is new years! This year it was a tad queer! I took a quick trip up to Scottsdale to hang with my buddy John and his girlfriend and some of her friends for new years. Wasn't quite sure what we were gonna do, maybe Mill Ave....maybe some boring bar! Well 10:30 hits and shit, Natalie and company still havent picked us up! WTG jessie....good friends~ So finally we get picked up and were told were going to some big party bash in downtown Phoenix. Great.....lets go!

Fuck 1130 we get there and the line is around the corner, so we pay the $25 VIP fee, and get in no line. 2 steps into the bar is all it took. This place was CHOCK FULL-O-GUYS! man ive been to some sausage fests, but this takes the fuckin cake! Turns out this bar THE AMSTERDAM is like the primo gay bar in AZ, and it would appear that Jessies roomate knew and didnt tell us. We sure as fuck wouldnt have ended up there had we known.

Well too late, we just paid $25 to hang out in a gaybar, might as well make the most of it. Drink, Dance, Repeat.... only it took 3 drinks before i would even set foot near the dance floor. Now Im not a homophobe and i dont care if yer gay, but man seeing that dance floor just made me turn the other way. Couple drinks later, me and one of the girls that was with us are on the floor dancing. Much better! Night goes on, HAPPY NEW YEAR....wow way too many guys making out in my area, must move! Drink, Dance Repeat! Eventually we leave for an after party, YES a Gay after part if you must know. It was aight, we just hung out and made fun of jesses cum dumpster roomate. TIME TO LEAVE AND SLEEP! wait no, we have to go the hospital cuz jessie falls face first down the stairs and the drama "queens" have to call an ambulance. Prolly a good thing, cuz she really was hurt, but at the time it felt like spilitting hairs!
All in all.....an OK night, that ended up in the hospital! Happy new years my goyum friends!

Fuckin Hoo-Hah

2004-08-10T14:03:00.000-07:00

Dis be me and the foo-man-jews blog, so hurry up and fuck it up! OR WE WILL SING BITCHES OH YES!

Let the fun begin!

2004-08-10T13:50:00.000-07:00

Here is my lil blog area.......please piddle all over it!